Because MTV decided to stop playing music and started airing reality shows years ago...this show was birthed. Its been a formula MTV has used over and over and every "cast" member finds their role, plays it and then tries to get their 15 minutes in the sun. I remember days where I actually used to watch that station and would be able to hear a song... I don't think that has happened since I flipped the channel and happen to switch past the MTV music awards.
The reason for my take on this show, is that I really can't stand to hear any more about it...and don't understand why it has become as popular as it has. I get the fact that it can be "funny" to see people so different from ourselves. I get that it might be "entertaining" to see these people get into stupid situations, and make bad decisions. However, it saddens me that this is the case. I am all for a comedy show. I am all for entertainment. There are plenty of "reality shows" that I actually enjoy. However, it's an embarrassment to the state, to Italians and the human race to watch what goes on in this show, and to realize that it is the default topic to talk about among middle, high school and college aged people. It scares me a little to think about the fact that we live in a time where the "conversation" we have with eachother now entails what someone's status said on facebook, what pictures they posted, what their relationship "status" has changed to, who Snookie slept with last night, or what additional girl the "Situation" has taken home for the night.
I remember being younger, when people actually called their friends to hang out, to find out what was going on. I remember when people actually went out and did things. When they enjoyed being outdoors. When they took more time to be there for and care for eachother. It wasn't that long ago, however looking at most of the shows, blogs, and information we see pouring through our smartphones...it seems like it sure was.
One could argue, that people need to lighten up, and that it is only a show. However, my argument to that is just the SAME thing. It is just a show. It isn't completely reality. It is partially scripted. It is the extreme. And it isn't your typical real life situation. Sitting at a starbucks yesterday, I heard some kids ranging from 16-19 just talking about Jersey shore, Facebook, relationships gone bad, one-night stands, and many other things. Like it was nothing. Like it was a part of THEIR everyday lives. Because it was. Yes, it is just a show. But when that show/s becomes all you talk about, and all you can find commonality about... you start to make decisions based upon those things you see. That is what I find disheartening. To hear these people talking about someone that was going to be dying in a month due to health issues, and then saying oh well, did you see the last episode of Jersey shore, and continuing on like nothing was wrong... just was the last straw on holding back writing my opinion of this show. MTV has been putting trash on its station for years, but it truly has taken the cake these past few years.
Yes, some people will make the right decisions, because they see how stupid these people are. Some people learn stuff from 16 and pregnant. The reality is people do need to hear some of that information... but part of th reason they aren't hearing it where they should be, at home and from family...is because we have become so dependent on the media, news, and internet to supply our information, and even to have our "conversations". Most people loosen up their morals because of it.
I watched one episode and turned it off. Only one of these people is even from NJ. I cant imagine that in some time, these people will watch this back and not be ashamed for acting like this. There is a reason sponsors are pulling their ads and the town has come out to speak out against the show. Because its offensive and disgusting.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I ask...You answer.
As most of you are all aware, I have been nothing short of busy these past few months. There have been ups and downs--and most of the time it felt like more downs than ups. I've always seemed to be the type of person that puts a whole lot on her plate, and always ends up finishing it all. It's just the process in getting there that sometimes changes, or can get stressful.
I think this is pretty common for most people. We live our busy lives--work, school, social life, we structure our day--planning everything right down til the last minute, and if we're really good--we even incorporate time for those that love us, those that are in need, and those that are far from God--volunteering, family functions, praying, church etc.
Everything goes along smoothly until one of those things goes out of whack. All of a sudden we find it harder to do every other item on our list. We start to get stressed. We start to worry. We start to think about how we ever got so many things on that list in the first place. It happens all the time.
The thing I have been thinking about lately however is how I handle this busy schedule I have made for myself. In thinking about it, how can I better improve how I handle that schedule. How can remain at peace, show God's grace in all that I do, and reach out to those I don't know to help them as well. I have always felt a strong calling on my heart to help others. It's in my nature. I am a good listener, communicator, time-balancer. However, even those of us who are graced with this ability to multi-task get tired. In my case, very tired. Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy being tired... :) Just looking at how I can better improve this busy, hectic life.
Two of many topics that I want to talk about are below. I found a few verses that I feel tie into the topics pretty well:
Weariness
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
Often times I get busy. I forget where my focus is, and always has been. I forget to keep God at the center. Somewhere in the process of trying to show his love to everyone...it is possible to lose sight of him. Setting aside specific time to pray is important to me, because sometimes it is exactly what I need to bring me back in, and provide me the guidance and direction I need--not to mention a sense of peace.
Worry
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)
We all worry. Some more than others--and I am willing to bet I am in the top percentile with this one. I have always struggled with putting my problems and trials completely in God's hands. Where do I draw the line? How much effort am I suppposed to put in? How does God want to use me in this situation? What is God trying to do in this situation? Perhaps, I ask too many questions. Part of me thinks God and I are going to have a good laugh at how many questions I ask one day.
I feel I have done a better job lately, at removing stress from my life. I am still working on making my schedule a little less hectic, but for now... I seem to be able to balance it. Rather, God seems to be helping me balance it.
Anyways, just had a few thoughts on my mind... and figured I would share, because I know I am not alone on this one.
I think this is pretty common for most people. We live our busy lives--work, school, social life, we structure our day--planning everything right down til the last minute, and if we're really good--we even incorporate time for those that love us, those that are in need, and those that are far from God--volunteering, family functions, praying, church etc.
Everything goes along smoothly until one of those things goes out of whack. All of a sudden we find it harder to do every other item on our list. We start to get stressed. We start to worry. We start to think about how we ever got so many things on that list in the first place. It happens all the time.
The thing I have been thinking about lately however is how I handle this busy schedule I have made for myself. In thinking about it, how can I better improve how I handle that schedule. How can remain at peace, show God's grace in all that I do, and reach out to those I don't know to help them as well. I have always felt a strong calling on my heart to help others. It's in my nature. I am a good listener, communicator, time-balancer. However, even those of us who are graced with this ability to multi-task get tired. In my case, very tired. Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy being tired... :) Just looking at how I can better improve this busy, hectic life.
Two of many topics that I want to talk about are below. I found a few verses that I feel tie into the topics pretty well:
Weariness
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
Often times I get busy. I forget where my focus is, and always has been. I forget to keep God at the center. Somewhere in the process of trying to show his love to everyone...it is possible to lose sight of him. Setting aside specific time to pray is important to me, because sometimes it is exactly what I need to bring me back in, and provide me the guidance and direction I need--not to mention a sense of peace.
Worry
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)
We all worry. Some more than others--and I am willing to bet I am in the top percentile with this one. I have always struggled with putting my problems and trials completely in God's hands. Where do I draw the line? How much effort am I suppposed to put in? How does God want to use me in this situation? What is God trying to do in this situation? Perhaps, I ask too many questions. Part of me thinks God and I are going to have a good laugh at how many questions I ask one day.
I feel I have done a better job lately, at removing stress from my life. I am still working on making my schedule a little less hectic, but for now... I seem to be able to balance it. Rather, God seems to be helping me balance it.
Anyways, just had a few thoughts on my mind... and figured I would share, because I know I am not alone on this one.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Direction
What a week. I found myself scouring the state of Wisconsin for any place or service that could be of some service to my mother. I had my plate full, and at times definitely was overwhelmed....somewhere in that process though, I found support, I found a way to tackle the situation. And I'm very thankful my prayers were answered...and for everyone else who joined me in prayer. As I mentioned, I finally found this place called the Hebron House. Somewhere my mother could stay temporarily, and depending on how her stay goes, she may be able to get further help and assistance with the issues that really need to be addressed.
My stress levels seemed to decrease little by little, and as more people stepped up to offer support, and as more things began to fall into place...I saw my prayers being answered slowly but surely. I can't really pinpoint the time in which I went from "paralyzed to completely mobile" but I can tell you there was a definite change in my overall demeanor, outlook, and attitude. I have a sense of peace. One I am not sure I have ever had before. A kind of peace that can only come from my maker. A kind of peace that no matter how bad the situation might be, I know he's there and has a plan for all this in the end...and that he has all along.
But for now, this temporary solution seems to be okay. It's actually a house, and it's nice inside. The kitchen is shared, and all food is everyone's. There's a lot. They have access to the phone, they are on the busline, and they will be assigned a case worker. She didn't hate it, and that's a plus.
It's not going to be easy. There are going to be more downs that ups. My mom is probably going to get angry with me, my family might to, some people will understand, some wont, some will help out, some will watch from a distance, and others will just continue to completely ignore the situation as they have in the past. However, it doesn't matter. I realized last night, that even if it was just only me giving my mother some help, with the help of my God, I can do that. In a week I have seen more transformation in the situation than I have in 7 years. In less than a year, our relationship has somewhat been restored.
No, she isn't healthy yet, and maybe she never will be...but she knows I love her. She's laughed this week. She's smiled. She's said thank you. She's trying to get her life together - whether she knows why it has fallen apart or not. She also knows I love this man called Jesus. She sees my actions, and sees the actions of everyone else around her. She sees me working hard for her. She sees something. In that, she's a little more hopeful. A little more trusting, and who knows maybe will be more open with her case worker that she meets today. She also agreed to check out Brooklife church. I've been trying to make that happen again for a long time. She's lost her way, I'm not quite sure where she stands on the topic, and I want to help guide her back.
So tonight I will go visit. Spend some time with my mother, and the other members of the Hebron House tonight. Because at the end of the day she's still my mother. At the end of the day she can still laugh, or cry or be angry...and I'd like to make it be that she laughs, and is happy and somewhat at peace.
Yes, I have another agenda...to help her seek medical help, get insurance, eventually find work again, etc. Hopefully that will come in time. But like all of us, when things are going badly, we don't always want to focus on them...nor should we. Sometimes we need a break...a good laugh...just time for some unjudged and unconditional love. My time with her doesn't always have to be stressful, I don't always have to feel pain. Neither does she. God's been there all along, I know this -- or she more than likely wouldnt still be here today.
That's my goal for tonight. Maybe watch a movie in this house with people who God loves just as much as you and me. People whom don't have the best situation in life, but if they have a story just like my mother does, I'd like to hearit if they want to share. Perhaps I have more to learn there, than most other places I might spend any other given night. I'm guessing I do. Sometimes the thing that seems too obvious... showing His love, and acting as Jesus would in any given situation, can help lead that person to finding peace in Him. I'm thinking its a combination of doing the obvious, and doind the neessary research to get her some help. Perhaps that was His plan all along. Either way, I am looking forward to spending an evening with 13 beautiful adults, and 14 beautiful children tonight.
Lastly, I have my own thank you, to God, for giving me strength, passion, compassion, peace, and a number of other things. Right up there with that thank you however, is to my mother. A thank you I may never give you to your face, unless you end up getting the help you need. But a thank you for making me who I am today. For making me a person who is more patient, more compassionate,better at handling problems and challenges, better and problem solving, better at managing my time. You've helped me do this. Without your struggles, I would have never been as well-rounded as I am today. Without your struggles, I would never be able to help someone in your situation. Without you I would be a little more judgemental, a little more impatient, and whole lot worse at handling stress. Without your struggles, I may not have pushed myself so hard through school. I may not have received honors. I may not be going back for my Master's. It is becauuse of you and my father that I want to be better. That I want to lead a better life. Without you I may have not found my way back to God.
So for that, I thank you.
My stress levels seemed to decrease little by little, and as more people stepped up to offer support, and as more things began to fall into place...I saw my prayers being answered slowly but surely. I can't really pinpoint the time in which I went from "paralyzed to completely mobile" but I can tell you there was a definite change in my overall demeanor, outlook, and attitude. I have a sense of peace. One I am not sure I have ever had before. A kind of peace that can only come from my maker. A kind of peace that no matter how bad the situation might be, I know he's there and has a plan for all this in the end...and that he has all along.
But for now, this temporary solution seems to be okay. It's actually a house, and it's nice inside. The kitchen is shared, and all food is everyone's. There's a lot. They have access to the phone, they are on the busline, and they will be assigned a case worker. She didn't hate it, and that's a plus.
It's not going to be easy. There are going to be more downs that ups. My mom is probably going to get angry with me, my family might to, some people will understand, some wont, some will help out, some will watch from a distance, and others will just continue to completely ignore the situation as they have in the past. However, it doesn't matter. I realized last night, that even if it was just only me giving my mother some help, with the help of my God, I can do that. In a week I have seen more transformation in the situation than I have in 7 years. In less than a year, our relationship has somewhat been restored.
No, she isn't healthy yet, and maybe she never will be...but she knows I love her. She's laughed this week. She's smiled. She's said thank you. She's trying to get her life together - whether she knows why it has fallen apart or not. She also knows I love this man called Jesus. She sees my actions, and sees the actions of everyone else around her. She sees me working hard for her. She sees something. In that, she's a little more hopeful. A little more trusting, and who knows maybe will be more open with her case worker that she meets today. She also agreed to check out Brooklife church. I've been trying to make that happen again for a long time. She's lost her way, I'm not quite sure where she stands on the topic, and I want to help guide her back.
So tonight I will go visit. Spend some time with my mother, and the other members of the Hebron House tonight. Because at the end of the day she's still my mother. At the end of the day she can still laugh, or cry or be angry...and I'd like to make it be that she laughs, and is happy and somewhat at peace.
Yes, I have another agenda...to help her seek medical help, get insurance, eventually find work again, etc. Hopefully that will come in time. But like all of us, when things are going badly, we don't always want to focus on them...nor should we. Sometimes we need a break...a good laugh...just time for some unjudged and unconditional love. My time with her doesn't always have to be stressful, I don't always have to feel pain. Neither does she. God's been there all along, I know this -- or she more than likely wouldnt still be here today.
That's my goal for tonight. Maybe watch a movie in this house with people who God loves just as much as you and me. People whom don't have the best situation in life, but if they have a story just like my mother does, I'd like to hearit if they want to share. Perhaps I have more to learn there, than most other places I might spend any other given night. I'm guessing I do. Sometimes the thing that seems too obvious... showing His love, and acting as Jesus would in any given situation, can help lead that person to finding peace in Him. I'm thinking its a combination of doing the obvious, and doind the neessary research to get her some help. Perhaps that was His plan all along. Either way, I am looking forward to spending an evening with 13 beautiful adults, and 14 beautiful children tonight.
Lastly, I have my own thank you, to God, for giving me strength, passion, compassion, peace, and a number of other things. Right up there with that thank you however, is to my mother. A thank you I may never give you to your face, unless you end up getting the help you need. But a thank you for making me who I am today. For making me a person who is more patient, more compassionate,better at handling problems and challenges, better and problem solving, better at managing my time. You've helped me do this. Without your struggles, I would have never been as well-rounded as I am today. Without your struggles, I would never be able to help someone in your situation. Without you I would be a little more judgemental, a little more impatient, and whole lot worse at handling stress. Without your struggles, I may not have pushed myself so hard through school. I may not have received honors. I may not be going back for my Master's. It is becauuse of you and my father that I want to be better. That I want to lead a better life. Without you I may have not found my way back to God.
So for that, I thank you.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Lifted
Today I'm feeling inspired to write. I'm feeling inspired to not only share my thanks with God, but to also share my experiences this past week, and the overwhelming comfort I have been receiving given my current family situation. Saturday, I will be taking my mother to a shelter. Yes, a shelter. I will be taking her to the Hebron House, where I pray that a door will be opened, and she will start to get pointed in the right direction to get the care she needs.
I've realized that I can't heal her. I can't bank on the fact that if she by the grace of God does get evaluated, that she will be compliant with taking her medication. If by even a slimmer chance, those medications are taken, they actually work. Yes, you could say I hit my breaking point this week. I felt like again, there was nothing I could do, and there was nowhere to turn. I felt like I had little to no support left, and that my mother was going to end up on the streets, and not have any more options sent her way. For the most part, that was true. However in a time, where I couldn't much less make it through vocal sentence about this issue without crying, somehow my head was cleared. I did a mental dump. I wrote in my prayer journal. I broke down in tears, and I handed this off to God once more --this time with no strings attached. Not one. I once again, set aside the hurt, the pain, the anger, the worry, the embarrassment -(the list goes on) and begged God to please show me an answer of some kind.
The next day I woke up, feeling surprisingly good. Motivated, and in a sense guided. I started looking up various facilities, shelters, and state contacts. I wrote and called about 20 of them, and started to tell them my mom's story. I started to ask questions. Questions I didn't know I had. In less than 24 hours, I was pointed towards Hebron House by nearly half of these people. I was given other suggestions as well. During this same time, I had family step up as support, I had friends offer to make care packages for my mom, I had an overwhelming sense of comfort, even by myself that God was saying don't worry, I'm going to carry you through this, you need it -- and I did.
My mother needed to fine help and shelter in under a week, and within 48 hours I seem to have found the best solution that we have been able to come up with in 7 years. I have no idea how this is going to turn out, and I have no expectations. That was part of the "giving this all to God with no strings attached" I know he has been there, I know he continues to be there, and I am just going to keep on praying that he continues to so clearly guide me as he has this week.
The situation is sad, and the outlook might not be as bright as I would like it to be, but to see God's presence around me and my mother right now is all the comfort I need.
So today is a good one, a positive one, and there's still a lot to do. But I think He's got a plan... and I might finally be catching on.
I've realized that I can't heal her. I can't bank on the fact that if she by the grace of God does get evaluated, that she will be compliant with taking her medication. If by even a slimmer chance, those medications are taken, they actually work. Yes, you could say I hit my breaking point this week. I felt like again, there was nothing I could do, and there was nowhere to turn. I felt like I had little to no support left, and that my mother was going to end up on the streets, and not have any more options sent her way. For the most part, that was true. However in a time, where I couldn't much less make it through vocal sentence about this issue without crying, somehow my head was cleared. I did a mental dump. I wrote in my prayer journal. I broke down in tears, and I handed this off to God once more --this time with no strings attached. Not one. I once again, set aside the hurt, the pain, the anger, the worry, the embarrassment -(the list goes on) and begged God to please show me an answer of some kind.
The next day I woke up, feeling surprisingly good. Motivated, and in a sense guided. I started looking up various facilities, shelters, and state contacts. I wrote and called about 20 of them, and started to tell them my mom's story. I started to ask questions. Questions I didn't know I had. In less than 24 hours, I was pointed towards Hebron House by nearly half of these people. I was given other suggestions as well. During this same time, I had family step up as support, I had friends offer to make care packages for my mom, I had an overwhelming sense of comfort, even by myself that God was saying don't worry, I'm going to carry you through this, you need it -- and I did.
My mother needed to fine help and shelter in under a week, and within 48 hours I seem to have found the best solution that we have been able to come up with in 7 years. I have no idea how this is going to turn out, and I have no expectations. That was part of the "giving this all to God with no strings attached" I know he has been there, I know he continues to be there, and I am just going to keep on praying that he continues to so clearly guide me as he has this week.
The situation is sad, and the outlook might not be as bright as I would like it to be, but to see God's presence around me and my mother right now is all the comfort I need.
So today is a good one, a positive one, and there's still a lot to do. But I think He's got a plan... and I might finally be catching on.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Feeling The Squeeze
It is easy to get caught up in all of our daily events. Very easy. What I find most interesting, is that it is even easier to find ourselves further from the path we thought we were on to our intended destination. How did this happen? How did I get here? How did I let it get THAT bad. Some of us have families, aging parents, sick children, unemployment concerns, health issues - the list goes on.
So how do we keep our heads above water when every face we love is looking back at us with genuine, overwhelming needs? By learning to ask. Learning to ask family members, friends, the church, church resources, God.
We can't do everything on our own, even though we love to think we can. Perhaps it is a great blessing to know that I have finally realized that. God never meant for us to do anything in life alone. He designed us to live in community-family, friends and church. He designed us to be helping and serving and meeting one another's needs. Not just the needs of those who have captured our hearts, those who were born into our family, or those that are close friends. Everyone.
Paul told the believers at Corinth "The body is a unit." Though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ"
There's nothing wrong with asking for help with you need it. I've realized this in the past few years, and life has been so much more complete. I have been so much more complete. People have surprises me at the right time. I have reached out to the person who needed it at that very moment. Changes have been made, and God's love was shown. Our Lord promises never to leave us nor forsake us. He provides helpers to come alongside of us. He provided us to come alongside of others.
- Just some thoughts on my always-thinking mind.
So how do we keep our heads above water when every face we love is looking back at us with genuine, overwhelming needs? By learning to ask. Learning to ask family members, friends, the church, church resources, God.
We can't do everything on our own, even though we love to think we can. Perhaps it is a great blessing to know that I have finally realized that. God never meant for us to do anything in life alone. He designed us to live in community-family, friends and church. He designed us to be helping and serving and meeting one another's needs. Not just the needs of those who have captured our hearts, those who were born into our family, or those that are close friends. Everyone.
Paul told the believers at Corinth "The body is a unit." Though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ"
There's nothing wrong with asking for help with you need it. I've realized this in the past few years, and life has been so much more complete. I have been so much more complete. People have surprises me at the right time. I have reached out to the person who needed it at that very moment. Changes have been made, and God's love was shown. Our Lord promises never to leave us nor forsake us. He provides helpers to come alongside of us. He provided us to come alongside of others.
- Just some thoughts on my always-thinking mind.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Blessings all around us
"For I will pour water upon him that is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground: I will pour my spirit upon thy seed, and my blessing upon thine offspring." Isaiah 44:3
All too often I find myself saying thanks for the blessings God has given me. I make note of the obvious things such as being provided with food, shelter, clothing, a new job, health, being accepted into a master's program at Alverno, making headway with relationships, being in a wonderful relationship, etc. The list goes on. These are all things that have been larger, and quite obvious blessings in my eyes.
However, most of the time simple, and just as wonderful blessings go unmentioned. Tonight I found myself relaxing and doing some research for my new job, and then ended up reading a few passages in the Bible. Much needed reading, as I haven't been diving into the Word as much as I think I should be lately.
When reading the above passage, it made me start to think about what little things excite me. What little things I am thankful for. How even these little things are blessings from God. I thought about the water I had after my workout. I thought about what the grass in the Spring was going to look like after this snow melts. I thought about how each snowflake that fell the past few days was so delicately created into something so beautiful.
God's blessings surround us. At times we realize they are there, but many times they are overlooked as common, everyday facts of life. I've noticed this happens not only with blessings, but also with tradgedies and trials. So often we look at a situation and deem it good or bad. This is where we leave it. In this categorized place of good and bad, right and wrong, moral and immoral. After this nothing further happens with it other than a debate or a discussion at the dinner table. Sure, we got our opinions out, but what have we done about it? What have I done about it? The answer is, not much.
Our lives each day get busier. We have distractions. We have agendas. We continue to fill up our day so that we are constantly stimulated, and in my opinion often it leaves us not enough time to contemplate and appreciate why we are really here. We talk about politics, our reality tv shows, our friend and family issues--but how often are we talking about our relationships with eachother. About the person we know needs prayer more than anyone. What we love about one another. What people we know need help and prayer? What we can do to help? Most likely, the answer is not as often as we should.
We're worried about money, finances, our mortgages, our work, our education, our career path... and yet we always seem to forget that no matter what has happened in our lives, we have always been okay. Everytime a bad situation arises we have doubt in our hearts. We get angry. We get scared. Yet every time "we" persevere. "Someone" has stepped up at the right moment to help, "Something" has turned around at the right time, and you have always had enough to get by. Blessings. God meets our needs daily. His gifts are wonderful. Sometimes we're blinded and do not see our answered prayers. Sometimes His answers are not what we thought they were going to be or what we want to hear, but they are there.
Tonight what is on my mind is how to start recognizing and praising God's goodness. For the large and the small. Good and Bad. Right and wrong. In every situation. God finds a way to bring light to any dark situation. There's a blessing to be found, but will we take action and look for it? Perhaps as we do this, the scales will be lifted from our eyes and we will begin to see God's bounty for what it really is.
My prayer is that we stop looking at our differences, we stop sitting in the comfort of our own homes, and we start living as we were intended to...in community. My prayer is that when our eyes are sometimes closed to our blessings that they be opened to help us see His great gifts that surround us. To take those extra steps to make a difference. Encourage change. Make someone's day a little brighter. You may be surprised at how somehow your life and sense of being improves ten-fold in the process.
All too often I find myself saying thanks for the blessings God has given me. I make note of the obvious things such as being provided with food, shelter, clothing, a new job, health, being accepted into a master's program at Alverno, making headway with relationships, being in a wonderful relationship, etc. The list goes on. These are all things that have been larger, and quite obvious blessings in my eyes.
However, most of the time simple, and just as wonderful blessings go unmentioned. Tonight I found myself relaxing and doing some research for my new job, and then ended up reading a few passages in the Bible. Much needed reading, as I haven't been diving into the Word as much as I think I should be lately.
When reading the above passage, it made me start to think about what little things excite me. What little things I am thankful for. How even these little things are blessings from God. I thought about the water I had after my workout. I thought about what the grass in the Spring was going to look like after this snow melts. I thought about how each snowflake that fell the past few days was so delicately created into something so beautiful.
Our lives each day get busier. We have distractions. We have agendas. We continue to fill up our day so that we are constantly stimulated, and in my opinion often it leaves us not enough time to contemplate and appreciate why we are really here. We talk about politics, our reality tv shows, our friend and family issues--but how often are we talking about our relationships with eachother. About the person we know needs prayer more than anyone. What we love about one another. What people we know need help and prayer? What we can do to help? Most likely, the answer is not as often as we should.
We're worried about money, finances, our mortgages, our work, our education, our career path... and yet we always seem to forget that no matter what has happened in our lives, we have always been okay. Everytime a bad situation arises we have doubt in our hearts. We get angry. We get scared. Yet every time "we" persevere. "Someone" has stepped up at the right moment to help, "Something" has turned around at the right time, and you have always had enough to get by. Blessings. God meets our needs daily. His gifts are wonderful. Sometimes we're blinded and do not see our answered prayers. Sometimes His answers are not what we thought they were going to be or what we want to hear, but they are there.
Tonight what is on my mind is how to start recognizing and praising God's goodness. For the large and the small. Good and Bad. Right and wrong. In every situation. God finds a way to bring light to any dark situation. There's a blessing to be found, but will we take action and look for it? Perhaps as we do this, the scales will be lifted from our eyes and we will begin to see God's bounty for what it really is.
My prayer is that we stop looking at our differences, we stop sitting in the comfort of our own homes, and we start living as we were intended to...in community. My prayer is that when our eyes are sometimes closed to our blessings that they be opened to help us see His great gifts that surround us. To take those extra steps to make a difference. Encourage change. Make someone's day a little brighter. You may be surprised at how somehow your life and sense of being improves ten-fold in the process.
Monday, December 13, 2010
My testimony
This note will more than more than likely surprise you. The reason I am writing this note is because God has clearly put this on my heart for me to share with you. I am admitting to having selective hearing when God speaks to me... but it's time I listen to him.
My Testimony:
Growing up, I had a pretty healthy upbringing. My parents were solid parents, I had great extended family, and plenty of attention seeing as I was the only child. My parents loved me and I knew it. I was always a strong student, and enjoyed learning.
I can say that I never felt like a child growing up. If I ever did, it was much later on in my life. As a child, I experienced death at a fairly young age. My grandfather passed away, friends parents died that I was close to, and at 14 one of my best guy friends was killed in a car accident right in front of my eyes.
I grew up appreciating life, and wanting to make the most of my life. Wanting to make the most of my relationships, telling people how much I care about them, and making sure to enjoy life while I was here.
In 2002, my parents went through a divorce. In 2003 that process was completed. It was a long process, and threw my world upside-down. My mom had started accusing my father and I of stealing from her, and she was mentally ill. At this time we didn't even know it. Growing up, I had a pretty normal family. We went to church, both families got along ABNORMALLY well. I was an only child, we weren't rich, but we weren't poor. I had enough. I had a lot of friends. I was confirmed at 14. My high school years, I was a pretty shy and quiet girl. I had a lot of friends and was very outgoing with them. However, if you weren't my friend I probably wasn't going to go out of my way to be yours. While the divorce was going on, my father left the house while it was up for sale. The only home I could ever remember living in. The home I planted my first garden with marigolds around the perimeter. The home that had my very own canopy bed, and matching bedroom set as a little girl. The home I would mow the lawn of and help my dad water the grass any chance I could get. The house I grew up playing with all the boys on my street, and the few girls...which helped mold me into the tom boy I am today. The white 2-story house, sitting on a a 1/2 acre of land, was now going to be the home of some friends in my grade, who's family was about to purchase. I was heartbroken.
I had always been an excellent student, and a pretty good kid. Good grades, nice friends, active in sports. Liked to read and write and draw. I got in minimal trouble. Perhaps you know the feeling of having your parents divorced or not having a parental figure during a rough patch of time. I was fortunate to have both of my parents growing up who took great care of me, provided my every need, who gave me a good christian education and loved me. I had a close relationship with my mom all my life, and I was daddy's little girl to my father. Granted, my father was always the parent, and my mother the friend... I learned a lot from both of them. As we sold the house, I found myself going to live at my grandparents house for the next year or two.
I commuted to high school for my senior year, hung out with my friends as much as possible, and for a short time drifted away from the church a bit. I found my comfort in my relationships, my friends, and in going out and having a good time. I didn't listen when my dad told me that I shouldn't be living my life that way, and that I needed to be careful. Like I said, I was a pretty good kid up until this point... and being an only child, I thought I was more than capable of making my own decisions. I hurt my father and grandparents who saw me going out more than normal, being more defiant, and not turning to them to talk when I should have. This is something I have now opened up about, and have experienced some life changing moments with all of them, but it doesn't make me forget the pain and the strain it caused everyone else. I put stress on the family, and ended up with a drunk driving ticket. I was embarrassed, and for quite a long time stopped drinking all together.
While I was finding my calm in my friends and social life, my mother was living back in the Delavan area with her family. I did not know the extent of her illness, which we now know to be Schizophrenia. All I knew was that she had been the sole reason my family had fallen apart in an instant. I was embarrassed, hurt, confused...and more than anything I wanted nothing to do with a relationship. I never wanted to do to someone what my parents were going through.
In this time I did a lot of soul searching. I spent a lot of my alone and "down time" wondering why things were happening, how they were happening, and most importantly why God, if there was a God, was letting this happen. I started attending Elmbrook church again with my father sometime during this confused time in my life...and shortly after that felt drawn to start attending Impact, a similar group to The Ave which I had attended years prior.
During this time I realized I was the reason that I was down. Me alone. Not my mother, not my father, and not their divorce. It was clear as day, that when I did pray, and break down I received answers. They didn't always align with what I wanted, or how I wanted to handle a situation (but then again they rarely do) I had an eye-opening moment when I realized that I wasn't the only one going through hurt and pain. I took my focus onto both my parents. What they were going through... and it helped... a bit. Still definitely not a solution to my hurt however.
I started to pray a whole lot more. I started to pray for my family. For forgiveness. For guidance. I finally spoke up and I left a relationship that my family all agreed wasn't right for me in 2006. I had been in a relationship that I learned a lot from, but realized was not what was right. I was there for the child of the person I was dating. I found comfort in helping him, but wasn't truly in love with the person. I got called out of that lifestyle by God. Not my father, not anyone else. God was calling me back to the church. I was proposed to on the day that I was ending the relationship, and needless to say that was a messy break up. As soon as my faith started to get back on track, it fell apart again when I found myself with another non-believing boyfriend. After another failed relationship, a year and a half later, I felt another strong tug by God. I realized that all too often, my relationships were with people that were struggling in their faith, and I in turn led them to Him... but walked myself further away. Since my life was seemingly broken to myself, I was looking for people to "fix" and once they were fixed, I realized I didn't really want to be with them. I realized I needed to stop this "missionary" type of dating. I then had to re-evaluate my life. My priorities. What was I doing wrong??? What was missing... The main one was a realationship with God.
In 2007, I was blessed with the opportunity to be rebaptised by Jason Webb, pastor of Brooklife Church, and at the time Pastor of Impact. At that moment, I decided I was going to make some real changes. I wasn't sure if I could, I wasn't sure if it was the "right time." But I took a leap of faith. I was ready to get back in check with my walk with Him. No matter how many steps forward or back that I took, there was one thing that was certain...God was always extending his hand to bring me back. I met so many amazing people, that I am still friends with to this day, and that I am very thankful for.
Life was great around this time. I graduated with my Associates in May, had a great job, was living in Pewaukee, doing well for myself, got a dog, and was enjoying being single and happy. Now it was time to address my mother and I's relationship. The thing is I didn't want to. I had so much hurt and anger built up from the past 4 years, that I didn't even realize it. I had been so busy getting myself back on track, that years passed, and I still hadn't made things much better with my mother. Her illness was getting worse, and it was that much harder to communicate with her.
I started volunteering a lot more, something I hadn't done for awhile, and noticed that I was still hadn't made all that much time for my family. Around this time is when I remember having my next "mental breakdown" if you will, or really intense prayer I would like to call it. I found myself starting to go out a lot again with friends, and not taking as much time as I had in the past to volunteer, spend time with family, and be there for those that mattered. I was scared to get too close to someone...and I didn't really realize it at the time. I remember crying and praying to God to help me get back on track. That very next morning my mother called. We set up a time to get together, and I took it as a sign, that now was the time to start making a change with her.
I started volunteering a lot more, something I hadn't done for awhile, and noticed that I was still hadn't made all that much time for my family. Around this time is when I remember having my next "mental breakdown" if you will, or really intense prayer I would like to call it. I found myself starting to go out a lot again with friends, and not taking as much time as I had in the past to volunteer, spend time with family, and be there for those that mattered. I was scared to get too close to someone...and I didn't really realize it at the time. I remember crying and praying to God to help me get back on track. That very next morning my mother called. We set up a time to get together, and I took it as a sign, that now was the time to start making a change with her.
It has been a hard struggle the past few years... I decided to go back to college because I wasn't happy just doing graphic design. I wanted more, and wanted to pursue a marketing and business degree. Ultimately I wanted to teach or work in the study abroad offices of a college. I made the decision to do this The fall of 2008. I ended up selecting a Catholic Women's College located on 43rd street in Milwaukee. I wasn't sure what to expect, and to be perfectly honest... I wasn't overly excited.
Alverno couldn't have been a more perfect selection for me. I developed so much as a person, a professional, and the friendships I have made during my time there have been life-changing and provided me insight with how to tackle some of these issues. I could write a whole page on this topic, but that is all that really needs to be said. This choice was NOT something I did on my own. God has a huge hand in it.
During my time at Alverno I entered a relationship with what I thought was a solid Christian. I was thrilled. For once I wasn't going to be trying to figure out how to lead someone in their faith. Things were great for awhile. We were in a distance relationship, which actually was a good thing because I was so busy. In other ways it took me longer to realize the things that weren't right. I learned how to be patient... with my mom, with my life, with everything.
During this same time I had a best friend of a few years, whom also was living at a distance in Hawaii due to the Marines. This friend was someone that I ended up confiding in a lot during and before my relationship. It was a friendship that helped shape me into the person I am today, and for that I am very thankful. This friend and I had thought about dating, however it never seemed to be the right time. We both prayed about it a lot, and knew in our hearts if God wanted the relationship it would happen in time.
Patience wasn't something either of us did very well, and I was continuing to improve my skills in this area. Like I said, I entered a relationship when I probably wasn't ready to. This at times was seen as the biggest mistake I could have made...and at other moments, could have been one of the best decisions I ever made. I made some poor choices, and let the relationship escalate to points it shouldn't have. During this time, I got closer to my mom than I had been in the last 8 years. I was able to look past her illness. To be selfless. To be happy she was here. Even if it was only part of her. I was able to love her for her. There were pros and cons, but I am thankful for the pros.
I still did not feel that my relationship was right, and continued to struggle with my feelings for this friend living in Hawaii. It caused stress on my relationship during the entire 10 months, and ultimately, I ended up leaving it. There was much discussion between my friend and I about what we we really wanted, and about the fact we couldn't not be friends. I talked a lot with my friends and family about the situation, and ultimately realized that I had and always would be in love with my this person.
In July, my friend came home from the military. I didn't see him until August, due to trying to figure out what to do with my own relationship. We eventually made plans to get together, and in an instant all my answered prayers, flashed before my eyes. I thought about each time I had a conversation with someone about him, I thought about how each time I prayed for guidance or an answer as to what I should do, he was it.
Not but a few days later we were hanging out every day, and on September 2, 2010 we started dating. I could not be happier, and yes, I am still trying to get closer to God. There are still things I need to work on, but I can say that we're both on a much more clearly outlined path. The relationship is more than I could have hoped for, and I know I have the support, love and respect I need from him. Any weakness I have he has strength, and I would like to think it is the same for him.
I find myself now graduating from Alverno on December 18th, a changed woman. To make it even sweeter, I am graduating with honors. I'm coming out of Alvenro as someone who has a new focus, new set of priorities, and new outlook on life. This past year or two has been such an amazing blessing... and I have experienced SO much transformation. I don't know what is in store for me, and I am not sure what path I will be led down next. I fell in love with my new church home, Brooklife. I plan to become a member in the next month or so. I have met the most amazing christian friends who encourage me daily, who love me like Christ loves. However, in the past year, the one thing that I have had a hard time letting go of, is CONTROL.
God made me perfect. God made me in his image. He loves me. God desires broken people. I'm going to make mistakes, and continue to learn from them. When I am weak, he is strong. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we trust, and now... I'm trusting in God. There are a few areas I am still struggling in, and working to do better with, but my heart is in the right place, and transformation is a continuous process. Transformation does not come from within us, it comes from CHRIST. It is NOT by self control, self discipline, self help books, from counseling that I find my strength and my healing. It comes from walking by the Spirit. I now have a new mind and a new heart. I am completely committing my life to Christ.
I truly believe that I have gone through all of these things for a reason. And as ridiculous as it may sound, I am glad that I went through these challenges in my life. It feels so incredible being able to get the skeletons out of my closet and expose myself to you. I don't feel the least bit ashamed to share this with anyone, because God has delivered me from all of this. Through all of my struggles, God has refined me, he has refined my faith, he has refined my relationship with Him.
Who knows... perhaps someone reading this will be encouraged. Perhaps someone reading this can reach out to me for guidance and support. Who knows the reason God pushed me to write this, all I know is that I trust he has a plan for this... and I am SO excited for the plan he has for my life!
God has tried all along to get my full attention, but I wasn't listening, and l wasn't giving him my everything. Thank you Father for sending your son, Jesus, to die on the cross and forgiving me of my sins. Thank you Jesus for delivering me.
Love you all.
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