My testimony

This note will more than more than likely surprise you. The reason I am writing this note is because God has clearly put this on my heart for me to share with you. I am admitting to having selective hearing when God speaks to me... but it's time I listen to him.

My Testimony:

Growing up, I had a pretty healthy upbringing. My parents were solid parents, I had great extended family, and plenty of attention seeing as I was the only child. My parents loved me and I knew it. I was always a strong student, and enjoyed learning. 

I can say that I never felt like a child growing up. If I ever did, it was much later on in my life. As a child, I experienced death at a fairly young age. My grandfather passed away, friends parents died that I was close to, and at 14 one of my best guy friends was killed in a car accident right in front of my eyes. 

I grew up appreciating life, and wanting to make the most of my life. Wanting to make the most of my relationships, telling people how much I care about them, and making sure to enjoy life while I was here. 

In 2002, my parents went through a divorce. In 2003 that process was completed. It was a long process, and threw my world upside-down. My mom had started accusing my father and I of stealing from her, and she was mentally ill. At this time we didn't even know it. Growing up, I had a pretty normal family. We went to church, both families got along ABNORMALLY well. I was an only child, we weren't rich, but we weren't poor. I had enough.  I had a lot of friends. I was confirmed at 14. My high school years, I was a pretty shy and quiet girl. I had a lot of friends and was very outgoing with them. However, if you weren't my friend I probably wasn't going to go out of my way to be yours. While the divorce was going on, my father left the house while it was up for sale. The only home I could ever remember living in. The home I planted my first garden with marigolds around the perimeter. The home that had my very own canopy bed, and matching bedroom set as a little girl. The home I would mow the lawn of and help my dad water the grass any chance I could get. The house I grew up playing with all the boys on my street, and the few girls...which helped mold me into the tom boy I am today. The white 2-story house, sitting on a a 1/2 acre of land, was now going to be the home of some friends in my grade, who's family was about to purchase. I was heartbroken. 

I had always been an excellent student, and a pretty good kid. Good grades, nice friends, active in sports. Liked to read and write and draw. I got in minimal trouble. Perhaps you know the feeling of having your parents divorced or not having a parental figure during a rough patch of time. I was fortunate to have both of my parents growing up who took great care of me, provided my every need, who gave me a good christian education and loved me. I had a close relationship with my mom all my life, and I was daddy's little girl to my father. Granted, my father was always the parent, and my mother the friend... I learned a lot from both of them. As we sold the house, I found myself going to live at my grandparents house for the next year or two. 

I commuted to high school for my senior year, hung out with my friends as much as possible, and for a short time drifted away from the church a bit. I found my comfort in my relationships, my friends, and in going out and having a good time. I didn't listen when my dad told me that I shouldn't be living my life that way, and that I needed to be careful. Like I said, I was a pretty good kid up until this point... and being an only child, I thought I was more than capable of making my own decisions. I hurt my father and grandparents who saw me going out more than normal, being more defiant, and not turning to them to talk when I should have. This is something I have now opened up about, and have experienced some life changing moments with all of them, but it doesn't make me forget the pain and the strain it caused everyone else. I put stress on the family, and ended up with a drunk driving ticket. I was embarrassed, and for quite a long time stopped drinking all together.

While I was finding my calm in my friends and social life, my mother was living back in the Delavan area with her family. I did not know the extent of her illness, which we now know to be Schizophrenia. All I knew was that she had been the sole reason my family had fallen apart in an instant. I was embarrassed, hurt, confused...and more than anything I wanted nothing to do with a relationship. I never wanted to do to someone what my parents were going through. 

In this time I did a lot of soul searching. I spent a lot of my alone and "down time" wondering why things were happening, how they were happening, and most importantly why God, if there was a God, was letting this happen. I started attending Elmbrook church again with my father sometime during this confused time in my life...and shortly after that felt drawn to start attending Impact, a similar group to The Ave which I had attended years prior.

During this time I realized I was the reason that I was down. Me alone. Not my mother, not my father, and not their divorce. It was clear as day, that when I did pray, and break down I received answers. They didn't always align with what I wanted, or how I wanted to handle a situation (but then again they rarely do) I had an eye-opening moment when I realized that I wasn't the only one going through hurt and pain. I took my focus onto both my parents. What they were going through... and it helped... a bit. Still definitely not a solution to my hurt however.

I started to pray a whole lot more. I started to pray for my family. For forgiveness. For guidance. I finally spoke up and I left a relationship that my family all agreed wasn't right for me in 2006. I had been in a relationship that I learned a lot from, but realized was not what was right. I was there for the child of the person I was dating. I found comfort in helping him, but wasn't truly in love with the person.  I got called out of that lifestyle by God. Not my father, not anyone else. God was calling me back to the church. I was proposed to on the day that I was ending the relationship, and needless to say that was  a messy break up. As soon as my faith started to get back on track, it fell apart again when I found myself with another non-believing boyfriend. After another failed relationship, a year and a half later, I felt another strong tug by God. I realized that all too often, my relationships were with people that were struggling in their faith, and I in turn led them to Him... but walked myself further away. Since my life was seemingly broken to myself, I was looking for people to "fix" and once they were fixed, I realized I didn't really want to be with them. I realized I needed to stop this "missionary" type of dating. I then had to re-evaluate my life. My priorities. What was I doing wrong??? What was missing... The main one was a realationship with God.

In 2007, I was blessed with the opportunity to be rebaptised by Jason Webb, pastor of Brooklife Church, and at the time Pastor of Impact. At that moment, I decided I was going to make some real changes. I wasn't sure if I could, I wasn't sure if it was the "right time." But I took a leap of faith. I was ready to get back in check with my walk with Him. No matter how many steps forward or back that I took, there was one thing that was certain...God was always extending his hand to bring me back. I met so many amazing people, that I am still friends with to this day, and that I am very thankful for.

Life was great around this time. I graduated with my Associates in May, had a great job, was living in Pewaukee, doing well for myself, got a dog, and was enjoying being single and happy. Now it was time to address my mother and I's relationship. The thing is I didn't want to. I had so much hurt and anger built up from the past 4 years, that I didn't even realize it. I had been so busy getting myself back on track, that years passed, and I still hadn't made things much better with my mother. Her illness was getting worse, and it was that much harder to communicate with her.

I started volunteering a lot more, something I hadn't done for awhile, and noticed that I was still hadn't made all that much time for my family. Around this time is when I remember having my next "mental breakdown" if you will, or really intense prayer I would like to call it. I found myself starting to go out a lot again with friends, and not taking as much time as I had in the past to volunteer, spend time with family, and be there for those that mattered. I was scared to get too close to someone...and I didn't really realize it at the time. I remember crying and praying to God to help me get back on track. That very next morning my mother called. We set up a time to get together, and I took it as a sign, that now was the time to start making a change with her.

It has been a hard struggle the past few years... I decided to go back to college because I wasn't happy just doing graphic design. I wanted more, and wanted to pursue a marketing and business degree. Ultimately I wanted to teach or work in the study abroad offices of a college. I made the decision to do this The fall of 2008. I ended up selecting a Catholic Women's College located on 43rd street in Milwaukee. I wasn't sure what to expect, and to be perfectly honest... I wasn't overly excited. 

Alverno couldn't have been a more perfect selection for me. I developed so much as a person, a professional, and the friendships I have made during my time there have been life-changing and provided me insight with how to tackle some of these issues. I could write a whole page on this topic, but that is all that really needs to be said. This choice was NOT something I did on my own. God has a huge hand in it.

During my time at Alverno I entered a relationship with what I thought was a solid Christian. I was thrilled. For once I wasn't going to be trying to figure out how to lead someone in their faith. Things were great for awhile. We were in a distance relationship, which actually was a good thing because I was so busy. In other ways it took me longer to realize the things that weren't right. I learned how to be patient... with my mom, with my life, with everything.

During this same time I had a best friend of a few years, whom also was living at a distance in Hawaii due to the Marines. This friend was someone that I ended up confiding in a lot during and before my relationship. It was a friendship that helped shape me into the person I am today, and for that I am very thankful. This friend and I had thought about dating, however it never seemed to be the right time. We both prayed about it a lot, and knew in our hearts if God wanted the relationship it would happen in time. 

Patience wasn't something either of us did very well, and I was continuing to improve my skills in this area. Like I said,  I entered a relationship when I probably wasn't ready to. This at times was seen as the biggest mistake I could have made...and at other moments, could have been one of the best decisions I ever made. I made some poor choices, and let the relationship escalate to points it shouldn't have. During this time, I got closer to my mom than I had been in the last 8 years. I was able to look past her illness. To be selfless. To be happy she was here. Even if it was only part of her. I was able to love her for her. There were pros and cons, but I am thankful for the pros.

I still did not feel that my relationship was right, and continued to struggle with my feelings for this friend living in Hawaii. It caused stress on my relationship during the entire 10 months, and ultimately, I ended up leaving it. There was much discussion between my friend and I about what we we really wanted, and about the fact we couldn't not be friends. I talked a lot with my friends and family about the situation, and ultimately realized that I had and always would be in love with my this person.

In July, my friend came home from the military. I didn't see him until August, due to trying to figure out what to do with my own relationship. We eventually made plans to get together, and in an instant all my answered prayers, flashed before my eyes. I thought about each time I had a conversation with someone about him, I thought about how each time I prayed for guidance or an answer as to what I should do, he was it. 

Not but a few days later we were hanging out every day, and on September 2, 2010 we started dating. I could not be happier, and yes, I am still trying to get closer to God. There are still things I need to work on, but I can say that we're both on a much more clearly outlined path.  The relationship is more than I could have hoped for, and I know I have the support, love and respect I need from him. Any weakness I have he has strength, and I would like to think it is the same for him.

I find myself now graduating from Alverno on December 18th, a changed woman. To make it even sweeter, I am graduating with honors. I'm coming out of Alvenro as someone who has a new focus, new set of priorities, and new outlook on life. This past year or two has been such an amazing blessing... and I have experienced SO much transformation. I don't know what is in store for me, and I am not sure what path I will be led down next. I fell in love with my new church home, Brooklife. I plan to become a member in the next month or so.  I have met the most amazing christian friends who encourage me daily, who love me like Christ loves. However, in the past year, the one thing that I have had a hard time letting go of, is CONTROL.

God made me perfect. God made me in his image. He loves me. God desires broken people. I'm going to make mistakes, and continue to learn from them. When I am weak, he is strong. We are never so vulnerable as we are when we trust, and now... I'm trusting in God. There are a few areas I am still struggling in, and working to do better with, but my heart is in the right place, and transformation is a continuous process. Transformation does not come from within us, it comes from CHRIST. It is NOT by self control, self discipline, self help books, from counseling that I find my strength and my healing. It comes from walking by the Spirit. I now have a new mind and a new heart. I am completely committing my life to Christ.

I truly believe that I have gone through all of these things for a reason. And as ridiculous as it may sound, I am glad that I went through these challenges in my life. It feels so incredible being able to get the skeletons out of my closet and expose myself to you. I don't feel the least bit ashamed to share this with anyone, because God has delivered me from all of this. Through all of my struggles, God has refined me, he has refined my faith, he has refined my relationship with Him.

Who knows... perhaps someone reading this will be encouraged. Perhaps someone reading this can reach out to me for guidance and support. Who knows the reason God pushed me to write this, all I know is that I trust he has a plan for this... and I am SO excited for the plan he has for my life!

God has tried all along to get my full attention, but I wasn't listening, and l wasn't giving him my everything. Thank you Father for sending your son, Jesus, to die on the cross and forgiving me of my sins. Thank you Jesus for delivering me. 

Love you all.