As many of you know, Mother's Day has not been a very easy one for me and my family over the past 7 years. My mother's mental illness has continued to get worse, leaving the family stressed, frustrated, sad, and left wondering what to do next. This Mother's Day, I had a new outlook. I went to church by myself (somewhat intentionally) before deciding to make the trip to see my mother in Delevan where she was staying. Before this, she was staying in hotels and in her car, after losing her home, and running out of time at the shelter she was staying at. This was something I was very worried and concerned about the past few months. It's an issue I struggled with when I prayed, and was constantly looking for the answer... something "I" could do to help. I prayed, and I prayed a lot... but it wasn't in the right context, or with the right mindset, at least that's what I believe.
Anyways, I'm getting off track. Go figure. The day was amazing to say the least. I went to Brooklife church in Mukwonago, and was running late. I wanted to go regardless of how much I was going to hear. I needed it. Jason was an excellent speaker, knows my mothers situation, and has tried to help with the situation. I felt his message would most certainly help me get through the day and keep me positive. I didn't speed, I was enjoying the view. It was a beautiful day. I was thinking about all the ways the day could play out. I began thanking God for the weather, because I wasn't sure my mom and I would be able to go to a public place or not depending on her mood. The nice weather would allow us to be outside if need be. I figured I was going to miss most of the message, but prayed I would make it for some. I got to church 23 minutes late... and they were just starting. Perfect. Jason was not there, he was sick but Matt was speaking, and I hadn't missed it. Relieved.
The message as always, was completely relevant to what was going on in my heart. They were discussing Proverbs and Colossians. A topic that just a few weeks ago I heard when visiting New York City. A topic that really need to be drilled into my head. Drilled. The main message was talking about giving those extremely tough life issues to God. We don't want to. But we need to trust Him. No matter how bad. No matter how much you just wanted explain the situation to Him. No matter how "different" you feel your situation is. Simply give it to God. Tell Him you believe. Tell him you have doubts. Tell Him you believe, and you need help with your unbelief. This was where I was struggling, and today was the day I was going to say it, and really mean it with everything I had, and didn't.
I left the service around 11:45, with a completely positive outlook on the day. I was ready to go with the flow. I was ready to ride the waves that most surely were going to arise. They always did. Any negativity, anger, sadness... anything at all that my mother could throw at me, I was going to counter it with love. acceptance. patience.
Then I got a call from my Aunt. She was warning me what to expect. She told me they picked her up an outfit, but she had already torn it apart. )For whatever reason, she has been taking the stitching out of her clothing.) All of it. My Aunt told me I didn't have to take her anywhere like that if I didn't want to. I smiled, said thanks for calling, and changed the subject. I asked about other things, and talked about some positive things like the art she was working on. At least that kept her in a happy place. I didn't care about the clothes. It hurt, but I swallowed it. I wasn't going to judge her today. I wasn't about to tell her what she was doing was wrong. In her mind it wasn't.
I stopped at a local store in Delevan about 5 minutes away from my Grandmother's house. I was looking for something for my Grandma, and something to wrap my mothers gift. Somewhere inside the store is when I lost it. I was contemplating not getting my Grandma a gift because it would upset my mother. You see, the scizophrenia has caused my mother, once inseparable from my Grandma, how has a hatred towards her. She doesn't trust her. She doesn't trust her family. Except me, and my cousin. I started thinking about my mother's situation. Her sleeping in her car, my family telling her what she was doing was wrong, that she would is what most would consider crazy, etc. It breaks my heart to see her having anger towards the people that loved her. I started crying. I didn't know if I could go over there at this point. But I was close.
I called a few friends, I asked them to pray for me, and felt slightly better. I talked with Mike, and a few friends, and they helped calm me down, and continue to look at things from the perspective I intended. The perspective of looking at her without having me in the equation. Thank you. Around 1:25 I was ready to head over there. I got in the Cavalier, headed down HWY 50 and within minutes was sitting in front of their place on Tyrell. It took me about 5 minutes to remove myself from the car. It seemed like an hour.
I went in, and my mom was finishing getting ready. I talked with my Grandma for a bit, and caught up with her. It was great to see her, I hadn't in a long time. I have so much respect for her, trying to take care of my mother, an Aunt dying of cancer, and all by herself. My Grandfather passed away quite a few years ago. My mother, not trusting my Grandma anymore was eager to get out of the house, so we left after I finished eating a piece of cake. I ate it very slowly intentionally to get more talk time. :)
We then went on our way to Janesville. My mom didn't tell me what she wanted to do, just directed me on the way to go. Normally this bugs me, but as I said I was going with the flow. Trusting that we would go somewhere that would allow us to have a good day. Praying the whole way in between talking to her. To make some headway. To have her be happy today. To get her to smile, be happy, feel loved. We arrived at a place I didn't expect to have an enjoyable afternoon. The local McDonalds. Great. Just what I need. You see, the last time we visited this food chain, we got into a large argument because she wanted to eat her food off the table, and refused to keep the tray on the table. This time I expected it, so I had a semi-plan in mind. I went to get our sodas, and sure enough my mother had moved the trays already. I simply went and got one for myself. She asked why, and I replied simply that I didn't really want to eat off a table I wasn't sure was clean or not, continuing to eat. Normally my mom would question. Be persistent and try to get her way. She didn't. Thankful again.
I wanted to keep my mom in constant conversation. Allow for as little distraction (that happens a lot) and make sure she was enjoying the conversation. I wanted to engage her. I did. I told her about school, work, my relationships, friends she knew from when I was young. Talked about art. It's the one passion besides me that she still has. If she started to watch someone or make a comment about someone in the room, I quickly kept her talking about other stuff to keep her mind on other things. I let her ask questions, tried to answer what I knew, made jokes of what I didn't. I could see her mood changing. She was becoming more comfortable.
During this whole time she was messing with her stitching in her clothes. She had a tiny pair of scissors she was cutting some of her clothing with. I asked once, she said she was just cutting a string. I wasn't going to get more than that. I thought of my Aunt, what she said. I was okay with this. It didn't bother me. Not today. I just smiled and said oh okay.
My mom began to ask about school, my dad, my grandparents. Normally there is a tone of jealousy, and hurt. She sees those things as the reason why I don't see her often. Today just questions. I was giving her full stories. Happy stories. Open and honest stories. Making her laugh. Not showing her my pain, my frustration, just love, kindness, openness. There was no negativity this time.
I glanced at the clock and realized we had spent nearly 3 hours in McDonalds. McDonald's. Yes that place with the golden arches that I can't normally stand to be in for more than 15 minutes. The best part was 90 percent of the time in strong conversation, or more importantly there was laughing. Smiles. Something often not present when I am around my mother anymore. But yes, laughs. Hard Laughs. Laughs that made me want to cry. I hadn't heard her laugh like that in years.
Don't get me wrong, there was still negative stuff going on in her head, but it was much easier to pull her out of it, because of my attitude, because of our conversation. Because of our prayer. My mother started talking about someone she knew with a big vocabulary. How she was jealous, and I responded with a why? You have a big vocabulary (she does). She then started asking me to name as many words as I could that meant jubuilent. Good word. It was how I was feeling. I spent as much time brainstorming as I could to name things that went along with this. We then went back and forth. Sometimes she would pick negative words. I wouldn't spend much time on these words, and then I would counter with a good word like generous, altruistic, loving, etc. It got her mind thinking about good things, it helped keep her in a happy place. Again Thankful.
We then decided to be on our way, and were either going to see a movie if one was playing or visit a few shops. The movie times didn't match up so we ended up at Michael's. A place of comfort for her, for me. I used to work at Michael's and started talking about stories from when I worked there. She talked with me about art projects she wanted to do, and just was looking through all different things that she liked, or things she would make out of what we were looking at. She thinks I'm an art expert. You know because I went to school for graphic design, and am semi creative, and took your basic art classes. Yep, expert. Anyways, I try to answer these questions she has about perspective, color, mediums to the best of my ability, and make fun of myself when I don't know the right answer. Normally she gets mad. Thinking I'm not telling her because I don't want her to know. Today she laughs at me. Thankful. We spent a good 2 hours in the store. Just before we left, a Harry Connick Jr. song came on. She said it was her favorite. She said she loved it because it took you to a happy place, so far beyond happy. This made me smile. It made me appreciate what I had forgotten about her. More laughs. More smiles. More conversation. A little negativity. A lot of love. It's easy to reduce things to the negative. Today I was seeing the beautiful. I need to find that song.
After that we sat in the car. A most appropriate place for what about to happen. I forgot she never opened her gift. I had her open it. In the car. Again, a place of comfort in a way. I gave her some pajamas, A christian book filled with love letters, an art book, some information on my church, a CD, and a large framed photo. She's ALWAYS asking for recent photos of me. She loved it. She didn't seem unhappy about the Christian book. No comments were made. Thankful. I flipped the stations, because K Love didn't come in as 105.3 there, and happened to find the new K Love station on the first try. "In Christ Alone" by Brian Litrell came on. The sun came out, warmed me as it was slightly cold outside, and my mother almost simultaneously began talking about how much earlier she wakes up when she sleeps in her car. With a smile on her face. With a laugh. I needed that. I needed some bit of positive when thinking about her in that situation. I got it. Thankful.
I then asked her to take a picture. Something she is normally terrified to do. Cameras, electronics, none of these things sit well with someone with schizophrenia. They are paranoid. They think people are watching them, out to get them. To my surprise she said, "let me fix my face, my eyeliner is runny" I couldn't help but laugh. For some reason my camera on my phone refused to work. Of all times. She remained patient with her arm around me waiting for the picture to take. She started humming the song. I tried to contain my emotions as I was very happy to hear her humming a Christian song. She had tears in her eyes, and was losing her smile. But for good reason. Thankful. We got a few pictures finally, and she asked about some of the things they were talking about on K Love. I had asked God for a time and place to talk about him that would be received by my mom. I had it. She listened. The love I felt from her, I hadn't in awhile. Thankful.
We then headed back to Delevan, and went into my Grandma's. I was hoping I'd be able to talk with them a bit and allow some time for conversation with everyone. My cousin, his wife, and son where there visiting from Tennessee so I was happy to spend some time with them. They then took their son to bed, and it was me, my grandma and my mother in the living room. I talked with my grandma about the day, school, life, family, relationships, etc. I made sure to include my mother. She chimed in here and there. She still isn't very comfortable around my grandma due to her condition and the thoughts she was thinking. But she stayed in the room. She didn't get angry. She even told me to show my grandma the photo I gave her. progress. Thankfulness.
At this time I realized it was 9:45pm. I needed to get going, had work, and so I said I was going to be on my way. She walked me out, and gave me a big hug. She told me she had a really good day, and had really missed me. I said the same a few times over, left her with a genuine I love you, and got one back. That doesn't always happen. Thankful.
She then asked what I was doing next weekend when Mike comes into town. She wanted to do something, and we made tentative plans to do so. If even for 10 hours I made some of that darkness disappear I'm happy...and will continue to work at that. All in all I'd say wonderful day.
A good way to understand my way of thinking is to think of God being pure and perfect light. To have fellowship and be close to that light, we also need to be totally pure. However, if there is even a tiny shred of darkness in us, then we can't be in the same place as purity... because light and dark can't be in the same place at the same time. I took that darkness I covered it in love. There was no room for it to grow. No room for it take over. It worked. No medicine. No doctor. Just love. God's love. Prayer.
The question really is that I think about often - can someone with a mental illness follow Christ? There have been many times where my mother has shown doubt, anger, distrust, just as she does with people on an everyday basis. I never found the right time, the right mood to talk with her about God. It wasn't received. Today I was able to get in a bit. I was able to talk about church, my situation, the message. She listened. She didn't talk back. She didn't respond either. But she took it in. She heard it. Whatever she does with it with God's help is hers. But its there. I think the answer is yes. Yes she can believe. Yes she can be healed.
This is why the Christian message is so difficult for some and so liberating for others. What we are saying is that everyone is a sinner, even the "good guys". In that way, we are all condemned and fallen. A pretty grim message... but the absolutely wonderful message is that Jesus died for every single person - and not one person is beyond the love of Jesus... but we do all have to make the choice ultimately. Jesus can't force us to love Him - that wouldn't be love, after all.
God's love is pure. I had to show that kind of love today. I did, it worked. It gave me the ability to reach her on her level. To accept her for what she was doing, because she doesnt view her thoughts as wrong. She trusted me. Down the line, my hopes is for her to trust God. And we've made progress. Thankful.
When we become Christians, Jesus promised us the Holy Spirit to come and live in us. The Holy Spirit is our guide and counselor, which helps us identify sin in our lives and this allows us to grow in faith and become more like Christ. Becoming a Christian is therefore the start of a journey, not the end of one.
I hope you've found this helpful and interesting. Perhaps been able to shed light on your own situation you are dealing with, and see God through mine. I needed God to be there the whole day to get me through it. He showed me in a big way that he was there. I could have had bad things happen throughout the day and still labeled it good. But God provided me a way that showed me he was there, showed me how powerful He is. He let me hold his hand. He let me fully trust him with this issue. Thankful.
I ask for your continued prayers to help God let me and others reach my mother. To keep her positive when I am not around, and to provide her clarity of thought. Thank you so much for your support, kindness, friendship and love.
